“The Boys”
“The Girls”
“The Twins”
Admit it. You’ve done it. You’ve lumped your multiples into one unit. One thing. Like Star Trek’s “The Borg,” you’ve allowed your children to be assimilated into a collective!
No worries, you’ve done nothing wrong. It’s natural to do this. There are even good aspects to grouping your children as “one”, as it provides a bond, makes them feel like a team, and nurtures a connection unlike any other they’ll have.
If you do group them as one a lot, don’t beat yourself up. Parents worry, it’s what we do. Parents of multiples worry that their children won’t develop separately into their unique selves like singleton children. They will, though. Each will grow and be different. They will be their own individual person. Individuality in twins should be something a parent should try for but not force. It’ll happen naturally. Let it. Each child will have separate tendencies, feelings, and experiences. When your children hit puberty and begin what Jung called “individuation,” they will begin that dreaded time period where they assert their independence and individuality from their parents, but they’ll also do this with their siblings. All of these processes will shape their senses of self differently, creating unique personalities.
If you still worry about them becoming their own individual person, here are things you can do to help ensure your twins (or greater numbers of multiples) will grow up normally, experiencing life like all other children.
Don’t Always Group Them
Research has shown that twins do not appreciate always being referred to as “the twins”. Use moderation when referring them together as one unit. Be sure to call them by their individual names.
Pay attention to the things they’re into, what makes them happy. Encourage these activities per child. While it will be easier for you to cart them around town to the same sports or clubs, they may not always want to do the same things. Remember, that’s o.k! These preferences and different likes should be cultivated. Let your child explore things they’re interested in.
Similarly, learn your children. Not just what they’re into. Learn their humor. Their fears. Their hopes. Get to know them as people. This will allow you to connect with them at a deeper level but will also, through their interactions with you, teach them more about themselves.
Praise should be independent too. Sure, if they both do the same chore, tell them both they did a good job. However, if one draws a fantastic picture? Or another hits a home run? Tell them individually they did a good job and that you’re proud of their specific accomplishments. Find the good in what each child is doing, though, so that you provide each their fair share of praise. No sibling likes to think a parent favors “THE OTHER ONE.”
Birthdays will be hard not to combine. However, be sure to give them individual attention AND separate gifts. The separate gift rule should apply to any gift-giving holiday. We sometimes do combo gifts when it’s “the big present,” but otherwise ours each have things to open for themselves. They appreciate this and remember what each got, even though they share.
Solo Time With You
Grouping isn’t always about what you call them or the activities they do. It also includes time with you, the parent. Whether it’s a full-on outing or simply a visit to the grocery store, choose times where each multiple gets some solo time with you. You may be surprised how different the interaction can be. Siblings, after all, like to bicker. This sets a mood when it’s happening. You’re different. They’re different. Even when you take bickering out of the equation, the interactions of three are different than two. One-on-one with you, though? You’ll see the true individuality of their personalities shine through. Plus, they’ll really appreciate the undivided attention.
I often run errands with my boys, separately. They enjoy it, even though the tasks are mundane. Similarly, when I stay at home with one that’s sick while the other is in school, they enjoy couch time with me and choosing exactly what they want to watch. Having a “date night” with each kid, separately, every once in a while will really make them feel special as well.
Don’t Always Dress Them Alike
Ok, when they’re tiny, this is irresistible. Again, though, remember moderation. When our twin boys were little, we occasionally dressed them alike. We more often dressed them in complementary colors to one another. Though they wore similar outfits, one would often wear blue, the other red. Probably not so coincidentally, these are now their favorite colors, respectively.
Now that they’re older, they almost never dress alike. Each has their own style. There are other times where they dress in themes. Star Wars shirts. Superhero shirts. Once in a blue moon, they actually match their clothing because they have shirts that match one or two of mine, and all three of us dress alike. They love this! Either way, it’s their choice, and their choices equal their individualism even when they choose to dress alike.
Avoid Rhyming Names or Alliteration
Mike n’ Ike may make for a good name for candy, but your kids may grow up not wanting their names to rhyme. Likewise, your multiples may not like their brothers and sisters having their same first initial.
This is perhaps the hardest of this list to adjust. You either did it, or you didn’t. You could give them middle names as well and be open to them going by that name if they choose when they’re older.
Don’t Overdo Individuality
No one will likely ever be as close as a twin. It’s a special bond that should receive your focus too. Don’t discourage that closeness by focusing too much on them being individuals. Let it happen naturally. Don’t force them apart just to make them different. Nurture both their individuality and their sibling bond. This list offers things to do or not do in moderation. Everything in moderation.
You want the tight-knit bond of twindom. You also want them to be themselves. Encourage both.
Have you made sure to being out the individuality in your multiples? How?
Be sure to check out our other parenting advice.
*Also published on familiesofmultiples.com