*Originally posted on Fathersofmuliples.com
Do you ever have to deal with your multiples fighting?
Sorry, silly question. Of course they do. If yours are like mine, they bicker, bicker, bicker.
Really, the list of why kids argue is endless. Most of the time one kid is doing something mean to the other kid, but just doesn’t understand what they’re doing and why their sibling is upset. Other times, of course, they’re doing it on purpose. Beyond that, maybe an accident happened, possibly while they were rough-housing, and a fight sprang up. And sometimes one was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. The possibilities to why their is fighting among siblings are endless.
Now, normally, my twins are each other’s best friends and refuse to play solo because they want the other one there so badly. However, too much togetherness also leads to arguing and fighting.
So, what do you do, as parents, to keep the peace?
It is my greatest hope that my twins remain best friends their whole lives. Because of that hope, I’ve put a lot of thought into this question. Following these simple steps with your multiples will not only help them get along better, but aid them in resolving issues with each other more quickly.
Parental Mediation
Before you can make any decisions on how to move the kids out of their argument, you must first understand what’s going on. This is the hardest part. You will definitely hear conflicting stories. Add together some Wisdom of Solomon, common sense, and impartial logic to figure out what the true story is.
“Dad, he hit me.” “No, I didn’t, but he kicked me!”
“It’s my turn to play that video game.”
It’s hard listening to the plaintiff cries when both kids are telling you they did nothing wrong…and knowing which kid to believe. Luckily, there is often evidence that tells the tale. Without evidence? Well, much like a card shark, you’re going to have to learn the “tells” of your children so you can know who is telling the truth and who is lying. Barring that, if you don’t know who actually was in the wrong, sometimes you just have to punish both. Many times you have to do that anyway since, by the time the issue has been brought to you, both kids have done something they shouldn’t have.
Admitting When They’re Wrong/Apologizing
When it’s clear who is in the wrong, we like to teach our children the importance of admitting it. If they can see they’re wrong and admit it, they understand the need for an apology. We even get them to admit they’re wrong when not arguing, such as when one tells the other they’re wrong. We show them the truth and then have them say, “you were right, I was wrong.” If they can get used to admitting when they’re wrong while not fighting, they’ll already be familiar with the routine while they are battling it out.
“Mom, he’s not listening to me.”
“Dad, I had that toy first.”
Most often a toy, game controller, book, or something else gets taken out of one’s hands by the other. They understand turns. They understand the other had it first. They do it anyway. So, they know they’re in the wrong. Teaching them right and wrong AND admitting when they’re wrong will help them now but also as they grow into adulthood.
My kids also have a habit of ignoring one another. It frustrates each one to no end when the other won’t listen to them. Reminding them of this when they’re doing it themselves, I believe, teaches them perspective. The Golden Rule, after all, says “do unto others as you’d have them do unto you.” Understanding that concept requires someone to understand empathy and how they make others feel so that they comprehend how they treat others. Again I believe that learning this would also help them grow to be better, well-rounded adults.
Repercussions
Punishment time. This is the hardest part for me. My parents always used to say, “this hurts me more than it does you.” I didn’t understand quite what they meant at the time.
I do now.
Since anyone reading this is likely a parent, it’ll make sense. It’s hard to see your children upset and crying. Unfortunately, lessons have to be learned. Repercussions for wrongdoing is the way to teach those lessons. Timeouts, early bedtimes, or taking away toys, games, and privileges.
“Don’t touch me.”
For me, hitting each other is the worst offense. As mentioned above, by the time I get to them or they get to me, blows have often flown in both directions. Either way, this receives the biggest punishment. Longer timeouts, more severe consequences, and so on. I really want the memory to stick so that future physical altercations are warded off.
Separate Activities
Sometimes, your kids just get on each other’s nerves. Many of those times are even on purpose! When they start annoying each other, often what kids need are separate activities. When doing things separately, they will come to appreciate their time together more. If they look forward to their time together, they’ll argue less during that togetherness.
“He won’t stop making clicking noises.”
“He’s breathing on me!”
You can often prevent bickering by putting the kids into separate activities as you see the tenseness begin. Once they start getting gripey, split them up.
This is also a good way for each parent to get some good one-on-one time with each child. Multiples most often have to share their parents. Getting some much needed alone time with Mom or Dad, during these separate activities, will be seen as special moments.
Listen and Remain Calm
When you’re breaking up the 31st fight of the day, it can become…frustrating.
It is important to not show that frustration to the kids. Stay calm. Breathe. Count to ten. All the normal steps. Wussah! If you remain calm, the anxiety of the room doesn’t continue to grow. Increasing the anxiety of the moment does nothing to help. Instead, it should be your goal to diffuse the situation.
Staying calm will help when you’re trying to tell the truth from the lies while your little angels are telling you “what happened.”
As the objective listener, you should also be able to ascertain external elements to what’s going on. Quite often, the one to look for is whether or not your kids are tired or over-stimulated. With that situation, the “punishment” is easy: make them take a nap. It’s what they need anyway. Sugar rushes are another culprit that cause hyper-activity and wildness that can lead to fighting. Watching sugar intake can stave off many arguments.
Essentially, teaching your children to admit when they’re wrong and apologize for it will help them treat their siblings, and everyone else, better. To comprehend that they ARE wrong requires a person to have a bit of self-awareness. With that self-awareness, your children will see that they shouldn’t act badly. Hopefully that, and the memory of past punishments, will be enough to stop them from fighting in the future.